The Quintessence of I

Jan 20, 2009 at 4:57 AM
4 comments

Here I wallow in the depths of my despair, a wonderful amalgamation of my own personal hell and a purgatory brought upon me through agencies not of my making. I travel, ever so quietly through the forests of my damnation, searching for absolution from those sins that befell me in my previous lives, or was it just this existence?

As someone once wrote, hell is a place of those who have denied, they find there what they planted and what they dug, a lake of spaces, a wood of nothing, and yet, they wonder there and never cease wailing for substance.

Is this what I seek? Substance?

A will is caged within me, pounding on the walls for release, a dragon of infinite power and elegance pacing in cramped circles, awaiting; neigh, demanding for his time to be acquitted. Release me from this servitude, let me sleep the slumber of the ancients or allow me to be! Do not dare to presume you can hold me, for I am the only light that burns without the benediction of angels.

The wailing's from my heart cannot begin to to explain the torment of my immortal soul for it seems that the demonic hordes have already transgressed their domain to collect their bounty. They play wistfully with their prey, cajoling and teasing like a feline with its quarry, each moment could be the last, but where is the entertainment in finality? Better to prolong the torment until the precise moment of utter hopelessness. To finally devour whatever optimism that remains at the point of irrevocable absoluteness.

Still I stand against the wind regardless, for without the pain of reality, who are we? Who am I?

I am anger! I am frustration! I am loneliness! I am bitterness! I am all that consumes the whole and leaves nothing, the void of being, yet I embrace you with myself for if you escaped my tender clutches, who knows what damage you could inflict. Better within a damned soul than without so it seems.

Emptiness, longing, insubstantial thoughts. Here is where I make my choice.

4 comments

Comments

Gwyn, hang in there, friend, believe me, it CAN get better - you are in control of your life, grasp the reins, figure out what you want and GO for it ... when all is said and done, there are no guarantees what comes after this life, so take this one and turn it into what makes you happy ... a beautiful, eloquent, passionate piece of writing incidentaly.